It's been 4 yrs. since you asked me for a ride home at work. It's been pretty much a living hell but I am now stuck here with you in the hell you created for my life. I made a terrible mistake that 4 yrs. ago by falling for you just because you were beautiful. I just came out of a 15 yr relationship and you knew that. You needed a patsy to get you out of where you were and you did anything to get me to do what you wanted me to, even sleep with me 3 times, whatever it took. You proceeded to treat me like shit and I, an idiot and lovestruck, followed you around like a puppy dog. You dumpped me and got married cuz you finally found a man instead of a woman to be at your beck and call. Then I find myself selling everything I own and moving to the Islands to be with you and your new "Him". Loving you now consists of the 3 of us and I am the "Backup" so to speak. We all eventually come home and now I have no where to go and I have nothing to my name because I gave it all up for YOU! Here I am living with the 2 of you, being treated like an outcast, begging for scraps from you, praying for the day disability kicks in and I am on my own and away from you. You used me for all you could get and for what you needed at the time and now I'm here living with the 2 of you and watching you use him for all you can get out of him. You treat him the same way you treated me but he's an idiot and a man and as long as you do the nasty with him at least sometimes, cuz you hate sex, then your safe and he'll give you anything you want and put up with your moody sybil shit......all you gotta do is do him once every other month so he shuts up.....lucky you, small price to pay for everything you want isn't it? I have nothing now because of you yet I am gratefull for the roof over my head and the food. I'm your pity case now, I'm not even an adult, you and your "him" call me your child....how nice. I can't say anything, I can't say anything about anything cuz I have no rights here. I just have to hold everything in and bite my tongue and bide my time until I can get out. When you fight with him or when he's off on a job for a few days, I suddenly become your best bud again and we laff and have a ball but when things are going good with you 2 or he's home for a few days then hell, screw me! I vow to myself that I will hate you inside and treat you cold, but then you speak to me all cute and once again I melt and am at your beck and call. I'm an idiot mostly, all the crap you put me threw and all the drunken bullshit I had to go through because of you, the times you punched me in the face for no reason cuz you were drunk, everything. Trust me, if I could leave here I would, praying for disabilty is taking it's toll on me. I want to get away from you, to leave you finally, to let you live your own life and do to him what you did to me...even worse...poor guy; but there's a stupid stupid part of me that hurts at the thought of leaving you and will miss you so bad. My God I'm an idiot and a gluton for punishment. You know damn well that when I am finally free I won't be free for long because when the time comes when you screw up your life with him and take all you could have and he's finally had enough of you, that you will come running to me to stay with me and to help you take whatever I can give you to help you along your way. You know damn well it's gonna happen and I pray to God that I have a girlfriend then and I am unable to jump when you ask. As sad and pathetic as this sounds, I'll always be in love with the stupid straight girl who took advantage of me and used me for her own benefit and I'll probably always run to your aid. You know, if I was in my 20's this story would seem logical, unfortunately I am a lesbian in my 40's that should have known better and should have run the other way when a beautiful straight women flirted with me. I have no excuse, I guess I'm just plainly an idiot and I got taken in by a straight woman who happend to be so very beautiful. I'm probably no better than a man who thought with his privates I guess. Look where it got me, I have nothing now, just some boxes left of my life, I have lost my spirit and myself while I live here with her, who I secretly deep inside, have feelings for cuz the bitch started it, my life sucks and she treats me like a martyer cuz I'm here and they give me so much, she treats me like a child except when she "needs" me of course. I hate myself for loving you and I hate who and what you really are, your looks get you whatever you want in life, no matter who you screw along the way. Nice bitch! I have hope that when disability comes in I will be free and free from you and free to live my own life, whatever it may be and as pathetic as it may be. You have put me through 4 yrs. of hell and I finally have hope that I can recover from knowing you. Why, no matter how determined I am, do I still secretly deep within me in the corners of my being, am I still so very much in love with her? Why?