I absolutely cannot stand children. I'm not sure what it is about them but just the sight of a newborn makes me feel ill. Once they learn to walk they are even more of a threat to my emotional stability. When I am standing near one I think about how easy it would be to make it fall over. I'm not at all a violent person. I would never harm a fly, but when it comes to children hatred and nausea consumes me. Early on in life I swore I would never have children and I still hold strong to that, but here's my nagging problem.
 
I'm absolutely head-over-heels in love. I can't see myself without him. We are engaged  and have been together for quite some time. He was my childhood crush, the guy I used to daydream about. I know he feels the same about me but there's one little thing that sets us apart; children. He knows how I feel about them. He has known since before we even started dating. I know how he feels about them but he tells me that he "loves me more than a possible baby." Now if that were the case, I wouldn't have a huge problem, but this is what he told me last night.
"I know you don't want to have kids, and you don't have to but I'm going to have one no matter what. It's always been my dream in life to have a child and raise them better than I was raised."
DRAMA ALERT!
 
I don't know where to go from there! He had to leave at that point so I got him to get out of my car and I sped home to think about what he said and cry myself to sleep. I have never cried myself to sleep for as long as I can remember. I kept asking myself, "what does that mean?", "Does her want to get a surrogate mother and then raise the child himself?" That won't happen with me around. He always tells me that nothing could make him leave me, but that just looks like he's shoving me out the door. I can't be with someone who doesn't respect my feelings, but it would tear me apart not to be with him. Even if he wanted to donate his sperm and have visitation rights, that would make me feel like shit and hearing him talk about said child would push me away even more. Our relationship would completely fall apart. I have a feeling he doesn't listen to me when I explain why I don't want them. He thinks I'm afraid of the pregnancy and childbirth itself. Afraid of the pain and the struggle, when in reality I'm afraid of altering my lifestyle. Giving up a life I love for something I have never wanted. I'm young, yes, but I'm successful. He on the other-hand, is not. I'm 5 years younger than him. I've finished school, I have an amazing career and I can support myself. I have always known what I have wanted out of life, and he's still in college trying to figure out what he's going to do for a living, yet he's still set on procreation.
 
The worst thing about all of this is that I believe that he would make a horrible father. I see him with his little brother and sister. I have never seem him act right with them. He yells at them for being what they are; kids. He lectures them to the point where they look like they might cry and then he makes them give him a hug. All the while, I'm sitting in the background looking apologetic! This is me! I hate kids, but when they are treated like that I want to protect them. I want to tell him to calm down. I want to tell him how he acts and comes across to others, but I can't because then I'll get lectured about how I don't know how to speak to children because I "hate them, remember?"
 
It's quite obvious how torn I am. I don't know what to do and I feel like it's a fist for me. We had absolutely no problems like this until last night and I'm stunned into silence. I feel as if I can't talk to him but I know I should.
 
Should I break my silence and tell him why I sound so depressed? Or should I just let his childish dream die away? That's what I really think it is; a dream. :(
 
Yet despite that knowledge, I still fear losing him.